Sometimes trauma survivors write letters to the people who harmed them, and it can be very healing. Sending the letters is another matter; it may be re-traumatizing to send a letter and deal with the aftermath if the letter isn’t received like you want it to be.
So, stick to just writing letters to people who harmed you, for now, and don’t send them.
Here’s an outline of the first draft.
- Summarize ways your support network helps you. Name names and be specific. Make sure to include your close network of supporters and those further out, for instance from classes you have taken and groups you belong to.
- Summarize your new self-care skills and tools. What do you do now to refresh and revitalize yourself? What do you do to calm your fears and stay grounded?
- Summarize your new emotional good habits. Do you avoid gossip? Let others take care of themselves? Have you created routines that increase stability in your life?
- Summarize your new boundaries. Focus on the boundaries that involve other people, such as no touching without permission, no dirty jokes, thoughtful conflict resolution, etc.
- Write how you’re feeling as you write this letter. Describe your emotions. Get angry if you feel like it. Cry if you want to. Walk away for a while if you feel overwhelmed, and lean into your support network to help you.
That’s it. That’s the first draft of a letter to someone who has harmed you.
I want you to notice a few things. You’re writing to a specific person, and you are not talking specifically about the harmful experiences (what they “did to you”). You are writing about who you are *right now* and how you are healing and making your life better and better.
When someone harmed you, you may have been a child. You may have been an adult with a weakness, such as addiction or financial problems. Most sexual violence survivors were in a vulnerable position somehow when they were harmed.
And you are stronger now. You are braver now. You are healing. You are letting go of the harm and focusing on being healthy.
This outline is one way to write a first draft of a letter to someone who harmed you. There are lots of ways to use this outline and say what you have to say.
If you found this post interesting or thought-provoking, check into joining the Beyond Brave Community where Evelyn has many healing conversations with other survivors like you.
