One of the ways a secondary survivor deals with the trauma of a loved one is the “Macho Man” syndrome. You know the one… “I am going to go kill the sick bastard!”
When my husband Jake received the call from his now ex-wife that his mother’s husband had molested his children, that was one of his first thoughts. Thankfully he was 13 hours away on a business trip. It gave him time to think on the way home.
He went through the craziest thought loops. Denial was huge at first. No way! It just couldn’t be! His daughter must have interpreted it wrong.
Then, came the self-blame and guilt. He should have known! He should have protected them! This is his fault! They were under his protection and he failed!
At last came the only answer that could set this tragic set of events right… He had to get revenge.
The thought was so clear, and intoxicating. On that trip back he fantasized about it for hours. It took over completely. He wasn’t even thinking about his daughters or his wife at the time and what they were going through. All he could think about was revenge.
Instead, he went home and eventually the family went through social services with the girls. The sheriff was called in his county and the offender was arrested.
The sheriff called Jake later that day to say that the offender confessed and then said, “I want you to know that I understand what might be going on in your head right now but if anything happens to this guy, I am coming for you.”
The sheriff then asked Jake to let the justice system do its job and not do anything stupid that would land HIM in prison and away from his daughters who would need him.
For many years, Jake was angry at that sheriff for taking his revenge away from him. For many years he had people telling him that if they were in my shoes they would have killed the guy regardless of what the sheriff said, which made him feel even more inadequate.
He carried that shame of not being able to protect his kids and the shame of not taking revenge on the child molester for 15 years before he could figure out how to heal from it.
This was the thing for him. The cross he insisted on dragging around.
It was the thing that was killing him inside.
He couldn’t put it down because he felt he would be letting his kids down and he already did that.
Can you relate?
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