While working with clients who are secondary survivors (people whose loved ones have experienced sexual violence) I noticed an interesting thing.
Secondary survivors fall into patterns of obsessive thinking, usually around the continued safety of victims, after they find out something really bad happened.
A husband I know whose wife was assaulted called her A LOT. He was “checking in” a dozen times a day. Right after the assault, she appreciated the contact and took comfort in it.
Many months later as she gradually returned to her previous routines, she found the check-ins interrupted journaling time, cooking lunch, watching the kids at sports practice, etc. He once got upset when she didn’t answer the phone immediately because she was in the shower.
His concern for her safety had turned obsessive and smothering.
A mom I know whose daughter was sexually abused asked me to help refile a harassment restraining order. The abuse happened a couple years earlier and the original order was expiring.
As we talked, she told me nobody in the family had seen the offender since the incident. He was rumored to be somewhere in North Dakota but she didn’t know exactly where. Her now-teenaged daughter was sitting right beside her during the appointment, concentrating hard on her cell phone.
I could feel how much the mom loved her kid. Mom was doing her job: protecting Daughter like a Mama Bear.
And Mom’s smothering concern was keeping them from having a parent-child relationship and Daughter was completely checked out.
Secondary survivors are usually motivated by love. Yet that love can turn harmful if it keeps primary survivors in victim mode, fearful, helpless, in pain. The trauma and pain continue for everyone.
Do these stories remind you of anyone? Please comment. Let’s sort out the fine line between loving concern and obsessive control.
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