Survivors often have a love/hate relationship with their bodies, and may turn their focus toward a random body part (like feet or a mole) or may focus on the body parts that were involved in the abuse (like internal organs or lips).
This hatred of the body is triggered by our trauma, and affects how we take care of ourselves. Doctors, dentists, chiropractors, massage therapists and physical therapists, even getting a haircut re-trigger the trauma. But the subtle effects can include how we dress, how we keep our fingernails, even what kind of soap and shampoo we feel we deserve to use.
The subconscious syllogism is that we somehow caused the sexual violence. The harm was done to our bodies. Therefore, if we make our bodies unattractive or if we actively hate our bodies before anyone else can harm us, we are protecting ourselves from harm.
When we mix that up with cultural ideals of beauty, systemic racism and intergenerational trauma, real or perceived poverty, ageism, gender discrimination, religion and a host of other outside influences, it becomes almost impossible for sexual violence survivors to ever make peace with their bodies.
Almost impossible. The odds are against us, certainly, but it is not impossible to make peace with our bodies no matter how long ago the violence happened.
The first step is recognizing that we are still suffering because our bodies were harmed. Just that; just recognize the harm. Later, we can learn to love ourselves in spite of or because of our physical flaws, or even practice turning those flaws into assets. But that comes later. First, we recognize that something happened to us and is still happening.
Just that. Recognize that the body was harmed and is still being harmed.
Sit with this idea and if your emotions bubble up, know that you are OK and find a trusted coach to listen to your thoughts and validate your feelings. This is hard work and worthwhile. This is the only body you get, and it would be a shame if you hated it your whole life.
P.S. Body Dysmorphic Disorder is classified as a mental illness (see https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/body-dysmorphic-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353938 for more details). A diagnosed disorder is highly serious, and you should definitely seek the help of a qualified mental health provider to deal with BDD.
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