If we choose to work on forgiving the people who harm us, many survivors find themselves trying to understand why the perpetrator did what they did.
So we go through mental gymnastics trying to understand, explain, rationalize the irrational actions of another person.
First we blame ourselves: We should have dressed differently or not trusted someone; we should have run away or fought back harder.
Eventually, we get to the point in healing when we throw away self-blame and realize that what happened was never our fault. Another person chose deliberately to harm us.
If we spend a lot of time trying to explain that person’s behavior, we can set ourselves back in the forgiveness process. It hurts to think that someone deliberately harmed us, especially when that person most likely was a family member or someone supposed to love us.
We can go around and around in our emotions, trying to solve a puzzle that was never ours to solve anyway.
What if, instead of trying to understand the motivations and intentions of a person who commits acts of violence, we simply accept that violence happened to us?
What if we didn’t need to explain the other person’s actions and choices in order to move forward?
What if we could just let that person figure it out for themselves (or not), and release ourselves from the burden of figuring it out for them?
Question for the day: In the end, does it help to explain why someone harms other people?
If you found this post interesting or thought-provoking, check into joining the Beyond Brave Community where Evelyn has many healing conversations with other survivors like you.